What’s Wrong with Me?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me but sometimes I feel overwhelmed, other times I feel a little lost. Most of the time I try to figure out how am I feeling actually, what am I feeling actually and why am I feeling so. Sometimes happy without any reason other times sad without any reason. Maybe it’s just the vibes. But I don’t know the actual truth, the actual reasons.

Argh! These streams of emotions.

These emotional triggers are sufficient to make or break my day. It’s like someone reminded you to be sad again and again.

I feel like I have become a complete mess with not good enough vibes left. I am drained, tired, and pissed off. Everything seems monotonous. And life is passing soon. Days are just dragging on.

And just like the changing seasons, my emotions keep on changing too.

From the one who was always available for anyone to listen to their problems, now I have become more reserved. I am still ready to help them but not at the cost of my mental health. I want to find my inner peace first, others can wait, isn’t it?

Does it mean I have become selfish? Maybe, YES! Maybe, NO!

From the one who enjoyed being a people pleaser, now I find my peace while avoiding those same groups of people. I invest my time, energy, and emotions only in fewer people. I hardly call anyone. I have a few friends. I don’t feel like meeting new people. I can survive many days without talking to anyone and believe me, I don’t feel lonely that way. I am at peace within myself. I have no energy left for the negative people or negative vibes. I have limited energy and emotions left in me.

I used to be a happy child but now I look for reasons to be happy which is so rare. It seems with passing age, the rate of stress and unhappiness is increasing proportionally. It’s like I want to get fixed, to get healed.

On my weekends, instead of going outside or exploring the city, instead of trying to make new friends with new people, I devote my time working on myself for myself. I enjoy simplicity more than anything else. Sky, sunset, moonlight, stars, garden, kitchen; these things seem more fascinating to me.

Also read: Why am I a minimalist?

When my timeline doesn’t match with others, I feel there is something wrong with me. I feel like I am not good enough.

When I don’t get the desired outcomes over the quality or quantity of work I have invested in any project, I again feel that there is something wrong with me.

Then I start behaving weirdly, sensitively, impulsive, and vulnerable. But then I am like that’s what makes life the life. I feel like it’s just a season of life and I will be fine.

So tell me what’s wrong with me? Or these symptoms are completely normal? Does this happen to you too?

What else do I want?

Healthy and protected loved ones, profit in my business, my new product launch, more time for myself as well as my family, and what else?

A thought keeps popping into my mind from time to time. Is there any end to these wants?

Every time after this confusion, non-comprehension, nervousness, irritability, anger, sadness, and crying I utter to myself, “What did I do wrong, or where did I go wrong?”

I am no longer available for things that make me feel bad. Rather, I want to focus on what I love than what I fear more. I have now stopped trying to fix things. I am done waiting for that big change in my life. Rather I follow the approach of “going with the flow”. Whatever happens, happens.

I have heard that acceptance allows you to lead a more beautiful life. So I practice more acceptance now.

Now I have realized that it’s not my job to fix every problem in this universe or to please everyone or to hold it all together. Rather what I can do is just be honest, be authentic, breathe well, and live well. The rest can take care of themselves unless I decide to take care of myself first. And, I don’t feel guilty about prioritizing my well-being.